Reenacting “Fried Green Tomatoes”
When my coworker Jennifer and I went to lunch today, the parking lot at our lunch destination was totally full but we finally noticed someone backing out of a space so Jennifer pulled up and waited. At the last minute another car zoomed in and took the space, despite Jennifer’s honking to indicate we were waiting. I unlocked the door to get out, but Jennifer put her hand on my arm to stop me. So as the driver got out of her car, I rolled down the window and shouted that we were waiting for that space. The bitch snapped back at me that we didn’t own the parking lot, or some rude shit like that. I yelled back, she yelled back, whatever. I felt like smacking her upside the head at least, but Jennifer was clearly more in the mood to move on.
So Jennifer drove on, and I tried to shake off my anger, but I was left with bewilderment. What made this woman so sure we wouldn’t key her car and/or slash her tires? I mean obviously we didn’t, but how could she know that we wouldn’t? Maybe we looked too wholesome to worry about, but I don’t know: even if I were the kind of self-centered selfish asshole who felt I could do something like what that woman did, I still wouldn’t do it because the risk of retaliation seems too high.
But I’ll tell you what: I really really wanted to come up with some devious thing to do to her car that would have been cleverly annoying. You know, nothing permanently damaging (what she did wasn’t permanently damaging to us, after all), just something that would have been a nuisance for her (what she did WAS a nuisance, after all). But I guess I’m just not that clever. (Annoying, on the other hand, perhaps.)
The moment is well past, of course, but I’m curious to hear your thoughts and ideas. What would you have done? Or what would you like to have done?
22 Responses to “Reenacting “Fried Green Tomatoes””
Posted: Aug 6th, 2007 at 10:25 pm
Well, I probably wouldn’t have done much. I’d have been tempted to take her picture and make a hall of shame website. (Do googlebombs still work?) And I’d think seriously about using my tire gauge to let the air out of her tires.
But I’d move on and feel sorry for her. After all, it can’t be easy living in the South and having no concept of etiquette.
Posted: Aug 6th, 2007 at 10:29 pm
It really would have been incredibly tempting to have rammed her car, a la FGT (one of my favorite movies, even if they did soft-pedal the relationship between Izzie and omgwtfIforgethername that Mary Louise Parker played).
Failing that, I’d've at least left under the windshield wiper the sort of card I used to dream of dropping onto the cars of people who parked badly in the tiny narrow slots of my Ann Arbor work parking garage: “Thank you for screwing up my day and yours. Learn to drive or buy a bike.”
Posted: Aug 6th, 2007 at 11:03 pm
I like the card idea.
(And it was Idgie and Ruth,BTW.
Unfortunately, she probably felt safe because parking lots often have cameras and because she had seen you and could identify you if anything happened to her car.
Posted: Aug 6th, 2007 at 11:16 pm
I guess it would have depended on what you had handy. A little soda poured over the windshield leaves a sticky mess, or the can left under a back wheel might spook her while she was backing up.
Posted: Aug 6th, 2007 at 11:53 pm
i am a fan of the nasty passive agressive note.
Posted: Aug 7th, 2007 at 12:17 am
I would have not prayed for her car.
Posted: Aug 7th, 2007 at 12:31 am
If the Mentos commercial guys were around, they could have just picked up her car and placed it somewhere less in your way.
mike (chez bez)
Posted: Aug 7th, 2007 at 12:40 am
Without a doubt, the windshield of that car would’ve had the thickest, gooiest loogie I could manage.
I also constantly chew gum. Sufficiently annoyed, I been known to shove it in the keyhole or under the door handle.
I’m very vindictive.
S&F
Posted: Aug 7th, 2007 at 6:53 am
Ah, thank you. I could not for the life of me remember the names of the characters, and I was feeling too incredibly lazy to IMDB them.
Posted: Aug 7th, 2007 at 8:47 am
I too have had a lady (I would title her a Green Hills mom) whip in MY SPOT at the Green Hills mall from the other side…since I am a pansy all I did was glare at her and she glared back at me…I think I honked…on top of that there were some pedestrians that witnessed the whole thing…they too looked annoyed and shook their head in symphony at me…
Posted: Aug 7th, 2007 at 9:01 am
This is why I am of the opinion that everyone should be packing pellet guns; nothing powerful enough to do permanent damage, but strong enough to leave a mark.
When someone does something completely outside of the realm of acceptable behavior, shoot them in the ass. We would have a polite society in no time.
Posted: Aug 7th, 2007 at 9:07 am
There’s a little tool you can buy, less than $5, for removing the valve stem from a car tire. Doesn’t do real damage, but will be a massive inconvenience.
Posted: Aug 7th, 2007 at 9:12 am
Yes, the last time I was wronged, I posted a picture of the douchebag on the internet. It was very cathartic. Though I am now thinking about keeping one of these in the car for such moments. The “hag” scribbled on the car wouldn’t be noticeable during the day and would eventually fade.
Posted: Aug 7th, 2007 at 9:34 am
Using a tire gauge is too slow. Unscrewing the valve insert is much faster.
Posted: Aug 7th, 2007 at 10:38 am
even if I were the kind of self-centered selfish asshole who felt I could do something like what that woman did, I still wouldn’t do it because the risk of retaliation seems too high.
I think the idea is that, because she is so self-centered, it probably doesn’t occur to her that anyone could ever do anything to her. She is totally entitled to everything she wants, after all.
ps, I admire your friend Jennifer for being able to let it go. I’d have been livid and indignant about it for days.
Posted: Aug 7th, 2007 at 1:05 pm
Buy 4 small tubes of super glue. Open each tube as open as it can get. Push the car forward until the transmission stops it. Place each tube of super glue along the inside edge of each tire firmly up against the back side of the tire. (ie. front of car <–O.–O.-] with a tube where each period is) then let the car roll back to it’s normal position. The super glue hardens in about 30 seconds and makes it so that the car won’t move for no reason most people will think of.
I checked snopes and couldn’t find any listing of this, and I’ve been told it works, but I’ve never done it to anybody.
Posted: Aug 7th, 2007 at 1:42 pm
Probably easier for trolls than for the rest of us.
Posted: Aug 7th, 2007 at 3:03 pm
remove her windshield wipers…
Posted: Aug 7th, 2007 at 11:43 pm
used to pee on people’s door handles. You and I are girls so obviously that won’t work but I always thought his idea was pretty clever.
Posted: Aug 8th, 2007 at 4:42 am
i was in a similar situation, except the perpetrator’s insults were much more injurious. i was seething. i took an old red lipstick that i no longer use, and smeared it liberally on his door handle after which i wrote “bad car karma” on his side window. it’s not damaging, but messy, and the red on his fingers probably lingered for a good long while. it may have been childish, but it was oddly satisfying.
Posted: Aug 12th, 2007 at 10:48 pm
I hex them - I glare at their car and say “May you never find a close parking space”
Today I did that for someone that had closed their garage sale but not taken down their signs.
Posted: Sep 9th, 2007 at 4:12 pm
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